Phil Elmore: Individual Authoring Services

Who Run Bartertown? (Liberation Begins at Home)
By Danny "Spanky" Rowell

Your mama’s a worthless crack whore.

There, I got my freedom of expression out of the way for today.

But Spanky, that’s not right and we won’t stand for it!

EMBARGO ON!

But people, I am guaranteed the right to say whatever I want to whenever I want about whomever I want, right? Isn’t that what the First Amendment of the United States Constitution is all about?

As a matter of fact, when I go down to the local library this week to read to the children I will make good use of this venue and explain to them that your mama’s a worthless crack whore.

This weekend when I go down to the home improvement super-warehouse store to buy pansies and petunias I’m going to help myself onto the tallest stack of pallets and explain to my entire audience of fellow gardening enthusiasts exactly why I think your mama’s a worthless crack whore. When my cheering supporters return to that store in the years to come, they will fondly remember the fact that your mama’s a worthless crack whore. Every time they advertise that memory will be there. Who cares if the warehouse agrees or not, they are now forever linked with the idea that your mama’s a worthless crack whore.

To quote Ciro Scotti: “And what do we mean by freedom, boys and girls? Well, a couple of the things we mean are freedom of expression and freedom of speech. So how in Saddam's hell does this happen:”

First Lady Laura Bush cancels a White House poetry symposium after learning that some of the poets who had been invited plan to read poems opposing war in Iraq.

If Spanky was coming to your grandmother’s house for tea and you found out Spanky was going to read a little poem he threw together delineating how your mama’s a worthless crack whore, I think you’d cancel the tea party. Or at the very least, revoke my invitation.

Country-music band Dixie Chicks (news - web sites) take endless heat from fans after singer Natalie Maines tells an audience in London: "Just so you know, we're ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.

Dollars to donuts you can bet that the municipal city library of small town Idaho would have all their employees, the police, the county sheriff’s posse, and an angry mob, who by using the tried and true tenet of democracy, voted unanimously to boycott my merchandise and get the word out that I was a racist, sexist, judgmental scumbag who deserves neither your vocal nor your financial support and they would run me out of town for exercising my First Amendment Rights.

To quote Scotti again:

"That caused Hollywood celebrities to rally round Robbins and Sarandon, with even Clint Eastwood telling Variety's Amy Acherd that the pair has the right "to say what they want to say, when they want to say it."

I can say what I want, when I want, to whom I want… but there will always be consequences.

In reality, I don’t think your mama’s a worthless crack whore and I’ve agreed to hire her and all her friends to be executives in my company. I’ve also decided to further the cause by donating several million to the Rainbow PUSH Coalition and the Screen Actors Guild Scholarship Fund. Ms. Sarandon and the good Reverend Jackson have graciously agreed to be present during the official ceremony next week.

Now we know Who Run Bartertown.

Embargo off.

Ain’t the Bill of Rights Liberating?