Phil Elmore: Individual Authoring Services

Sea Monkey Mutant Shock Troops Training Journal
Beginning 24 March 2004

Day 1

Ingratiate yourselves to me now, for soon my mutant amphibious shock troops will march across the face of this land, putting to the sword all who question my right to rule you.

Wait, I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

You see, when my regime comes to power, there will be bloody purges. That's a given. However, for that to happen I must first raise an army in order to subjugate the free peoples of the Earth.

As my funds are limited, hiring a conventional fighting force is out of the question at this time. I must, therefore, make do with the resources at hand. I have chosen to use biowarfare. Specifically, I plan to apply judicious amounts of wireless phone radiation to commercially purchased sea monkeys. While sea monkeys in their natural state are not particularly formidable, I calculate that the mutagenic effects of electromagnetic waves from a wireless phone will promote gains in both intelligence and body mass. According to my figures, I project a growth curve (very roughly) along these lines:

As you can see from the drawing (which is not to scale), at Stage 1 the subjects are in their natural state, which is to say, brine shrimp – whose fighting skills are not exactly legendary.

At Stage 2, I expect the mutated sea monkeys to be roughly the size of a three and three-quarters-inch GI Joe action figure. This will be a convenient stage at which to begin their training, for military vehicles are commercially available for action figures of that size. Thus I will begin familiarizing my future shock troops with the sort of machinery with which they will work and the types of environments in which they will operate. I shall inculcate into the sea monkeys both a fierce loyalty for me and a jingoistic militarism centered around their devotion to me, for I am Phil Elmore, god of their universe and provider of all. I shall periodically expose the subjects to tape recordings of my voice repeating, in measured and charismatic tones, that loyalty to me will be rewarded. In this way I shall guarantee that my shock troops will not turn on me as their mental capacities being to approach those of small children, more conventional household pets, and Jessica Simpson.

By Stage 3, the subjects will be (thanks to regular doses of radiation) large enough to perform small tasks around the house. While too short to reach the sink and with stubby amphibious fingers too short to wield firearms, they will be little more than mobile footstools with limited capabilities – but I suspect they will be able to carry garbage to the dumpster outside and perhaps bring in the morning newspaper and afternoon mail. Stage 3 is complicated somewhat by the fact that my plan hinges on two specific mutations: A) the evolution of lungs so that my mutated sea monkey shock troops can operate on land; and B) the development of opposable thumbs so my mutated sea monkey shock troops can be equipped with commercially purchased assault rifles.

If all goes well, by Stage 4 my shock troops will be seven feet tall and sheathed in armored carapaces that should prove resistant to small arms fire. They will be capable of operating on land and on sea. I am prepared to make the commitment to teach them military combatives and the use of firearms, as well as drilling them in small unit tactics and (when the time comes) large scale land and sea warfare. It is my theory that sea monkeys would make poor fighter pilots, which means I will be without troops for an air force. Captured land is rarely held without ground troops, however. My sea monkey mutant shock troops must therefore crawl before they walk, and walk before they march on Washington.

On Day 1 of the experiment I have obtained a bright yellow sea monkey tank and starter supplies. I have added the conditioning agent to the water and anticipate adding the sea monkey eggs by 1400, 25 March.