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"Always grab the reader by the throat in the first paragraph,
sink your thumbs into his windpipe in the second, and hold him against the wall
until the tag line."
- Paul O'Neil
All Original Site Content
Copyright © 2003-2004
Phil Elmore, all rights reserved.
You know, the weather forecasters have it easy.
There’s no job in the world for which you can do a more haphazard job. I’m not
sure why we give them a free pass, but we do.
Think about it. The average weatherman will go on camera and say, essentially,
“Uh, I think we’re going to get six inches of snow.” If he’s at least 20% sure
of this, he’ll spend all weekend under a banner reading “Annihilation Storm
Murderwatch 2003.” He’ll give reports in which he lists minute-to-minute
updates. “Uh, no snow yet, but it’s coming,” he’ll tell you every ten minutes,
interrupting your soap operas and sitcoms. “No one has died yet, but we’re
hopeful we’ll be able to report some deaths soon.”
When the snow doesn’t come, or if there’s much more snow than they predicted,
they just start making excuses. “Uh, a jet stream front moved in from the South,
changing the computer model.” The smart ones start talking about multiple
computer models, blaming the machines the way high school kids claim their
research reports were magically deleted.
The really smart weather people know what a scam this all is. They know that if
any one of us lied to our bosses the way the weather people lie to us, we’d lose
our jobs. “Gosh, boss, I know the figures in that report are completely wrong,
but they was a 30% chance they’d be correct until that front pushed down from
Canada.” The most cunning of the weather people use cute animals.
A local station in my city has a cute cat named “Doppler” who is the mascot of
the station’s weather forecast team. It’s as if they KNOW we’ll be distracted
and forget what a load of guesswork the forecast is. “…And we’ll have a forty
percent chance of radioactive electrified hail tomorrow, followed by burning
squirrels falling from the sky in a Biblical plague… or not. Hey, look, a cute
kitty-cat. Look at the kitty-cat! Back to you, Dave.”
“Thanks, Wayne. You know, looking at the long-range, it appears we’ll all be
killed by earthquakes and glaciers.”
“That’s possible. Then again, maybe not. Look at the cute kitty-cat, Dave.”
Look at the cute kitty-cat.
Wait, what was I talking about?