Phil Elmore: Individual Authoring Services

"Always grab the reader by the throat in the first paragraph, sink your thumbs into his windpipe in the second, and hold him against the wall until the tag line."
- Paul O'Neil

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Copyright © 2003-2004
Phil Elmore, all rights reserved.

Mom, I'm Hungry
February 2004

You don’t drink enough milk. If you don’t drink enough milk, your bones will break in half and you’ll die. If you drink too much milk, you’ll have deformed children or grow an udder or get cancer or something.

You don’t drink enough water. You should drink more water. If you don’t drink enough water your toxins will build up in your dehydrated body and you will die. Of course, your water drinking water probably has bacteria and benzene and pesticides and sewage in it, so it will probably kill you.

Maybe you should just skip the milk and the water. Skip the soda, too, because it will rot your teeth out before it melts your skull and your whole head collapses. That might not kill you, but who wants to talk to someone with a collapsed head? Maybe you shouldn’t drink anything at all.

Have something to eat instead. Try a Goodtime Healthwell Snackum Square. You don’t eat enough Goodtime Healthwell Snackum Squares. Goodtime Healthwell Snackum Squares are made from 100% granulated pressed and formed sugar, which makes them all natural and fat free. New Light Goodtime Healthwell Snackum Squares have 40% fewer calories, too, because they’re 40% smaller. The box is green, so you know these are healthy. They’re smaller but they cost the same so you won’t feel like you’re eating “diet food.” I should tell you because the government says it has to be on the box: Goodtime Healthwell Snackum Squares cause cancer and will probably kill you because they’re frosted with Aspartame.

You want to lose weight? Okay, don’t eat any carbs. Just eat meat. Eat boxes of meat with Dr. Phil’s picture on them. Of course, if you don’t eat any carbs you’ll probably shrink or get scurvy or rickets or something, I don’t know. If you do carbs you’ll blimp up and die trapped in your trailer. Of course, all that meat will build up in your body and you’ll die from meat cancer or Mad Cow Disease or Mad Sheep Disease or Mad Pork Disease.

If you starve yourself, it isn’t healthy. If you eat too much, it isn’t healthy. You’ve got to eat right, even though everything you might try to eat will probably kill you. Your fresh fruits are probably covered in cyanide and the yogurt you buy is probably laced with rat poison.

What’s the matter? You’re not eating. Aren’t you hungry?