Phil Elmore: Individual Authoring Services

"Always grab the reader by the throat in the first paragraph, sink your thumbs into his windpipe in the second, and hold him against the wall until the tag line."
- Paul O'Neil

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Phil Elmore, all rights reserved.

My New Reality Show
February 2004

I’m going to produce a reality show. On my show, a dozen people will take turns voting each other out until only one is left. Sounds original, doesn’t it?

All the contestants will be actors who will be made to think a randomly selected fellow actor isn’t an actor and can’t be voted out. The host will be an actor who thinks the actors aren’t actors, but thinks the producers are. The producers will be actors who’ve been told the host is real but the contestants aren’t.

I’ll bring people in off the street, tell them they’re auditioning for “Scare Tactics with Shannon Dougherty,” and make them pretend to be scriptwriters to fool the producers. I’ll tell the actors who are playing contestants that they’re on “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment” and I’ll tell the host that he’s working for “The New Candid Camera.”

I’ll tell the actors playing producers that they work for “American Idol” and I’ll tell the caterers that they can only serve insects. Then I’ll make everybody on my reality show believe they’ve all got to eat bugs while jumping off buildings wearing bungee cords and covered in live bees.

The survivors of my contests will be made to navigate fields of landmines while being hunted by an angry Ted Nugent, whom I’ll poke with a stick and taunt with threats of gun control before turning him loose. Then I’ll lock those survivors inside a small walk-up apartment in New York City with remote-control cameras in all the rooms. I’ll tell them no one can leave until they all pair off into couples, agree to get married, and then board a trash barge in the harbor for a show I’ll tell them is called “Garbage Scow Love Cruise to Temptation Island Frontier Village.”

On the island, they’ll be forced to build their own log cabins while blindfolded and with their thumbs duct-taped down as professional models attempt to break up their new marriages.

The winners will become part of a team who’ll race against other teams through all nations in the world currently experiencing civil unrest. Their assignments will involve enraging as many cab drivers as possible in those nations. This segment will be called “The Amazing Lost Race Eco-Taxi Challenge.” Contestants will run the race completely naked except for uncomfortable sandals.

Now I just have to figure out what to do for Sweeps.